And I beat myself up over it; almost daily. "Why can't I just follow through?!" Age 17:Accepted to Art Institute in San Francisco> almost ready to move= chickened out. Age 18:tried going to school>going for a semester>getting sick>couldn't go. Tried again> car accident>couldn't go. Tried again>couldn't pay bills=stopped going. Age 23:The 365 Project that I strictly committed to> donezo by day 27. Kind of ironic, since they say it takes 28 days for an act to turn into a "habit". Had i given myself one more day, would I still be working on that project? And it happens time and again. I am constantly trying to find something that will spark my interest long enough to turn it into a passion. And then, without fail....I let myself down. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to these things. I want to prove myself wrong, as if my worth of a being, as a whole, is determined by how many projects I can complete. And I lay awake in the middle of the night. And I loose more sleep than I'd dare to admit. I just want to know that I can finish something I put my mind to. I have come to terms with the whole "school bit". I realize that getting really sick and getting in a terrible car accident are entirely out of my control. And I am working a job, without school, that I would have wanted to work with skills learned in school. So really, it saved me some money. I realize that knowing my track record, a 365 day project was just biting off more than I could chew, really. I actually started this blog for the same reason, "Maybe my lazy ass will be able to just maintain a blog." Seeing that my last post was just about a year ago, I just shake my head. Partly in disbelief, and partly in disappointment. I know that my worth is not in the projects that I finish. It's quite ridiculous for me to even think so. What I need is to surrender. To accept the fact that giant deadlines JUST. DONT. WORK. for me. I need small, attainable goals, that will lead to a bigger picture goal. And really, i dont even NEED them persay, I just want them. Oh, how I think way too much, and accept way too little. I just need to step back, and remember, that I am ever changing, and ever learning, and ever growing. And that I am ever more loved in this silent brokenness by the One who knows me best. Oh, what a ramble I have let out just now. Into a black abyss of nothingness, falling upon deaf ears and blind eyes. Is anyone even out there?.
Cheers,
-K
Someone is "out there" indeed, and understands more than you could know! I feel like I am the worlds worst at follow through. I have a Nursing degree but never worked one day as a nurse. Not even one. I have about 6,432 unfinished sewing projects sitting, waiting to be finished. Including the quilt I started last Oct. that was supposed to be a Christmas gift.
ReplyDeleteBut you know, when I read this comment above, "as if my worth of a being, as a whole, is determined by how many projects I can complete", I thought...thank goodness that's not where my worth lies! We are just so much more than these unfinished projects lying around. That's not WHO we are, it's just a small part of what we are. So I think it's ok to let ourselves off the hook a little bit, what do you say? :)