American Picker

Caleb and I are headed to our local flea market for fresh produce and whatever else we can get our hands on! Stay TUNED:


Okay okay, so we didn't find anything terribly exciting this time. (last time we went with $40 for produce, and by the time we made our way down to the produce section, we only had $10 left!)
We parked near the produce enterance, since we had FAILED our mission last week, we went with a goal in mind. We were in and out in 20 minutes. So, nothing exciting to report.
Look at this pretty picture I found though, mmmm....i <3 veggies.

Tom Toms

Boy howdy, am I excited! Next Saturday we (my place of employ) are hosting a Style Your Sole event for Toms Shoes! Customers come in, and buy a pair of Toms, and artists custom paint designs on them at no extra charge! Oh and I am just SO thrilled, because I am one of the artists! Eeeek! At first, I was terrified, and dreading the event-kind of, because I the idea of ruining somebody's shoes made me utterly nauseous. Picture me, hand shaking uncontrollably to begin with, and then, out of no where, A SNEEZE ATTACK STRIKES ME DOWN AND MY HAND GOES A-WALL AND BAM! Crazy @$$ shoes, with streaks and stripes and blotches and stains instead of the clean lines and cures that I strive for. Oy Vey! Phew....Could you imagine!? I know...."what a drama queen". I know. Now that I've had some time to let it marinade a little, I have realized that the feeling of failure is exactly what I have been trying to overcome. So instead of letting it get to me, I've decided to have the mindset that "paint is forgiving, and I can go over my mistakes IF I should mess up." OH- and did I mention that I get a free pair from Toms?.....GAH! What?! I am so honored. Plus, for every pair purchased, Toms donates a pair to a child in need. It's a win win win. Customer gets some rockin shoezies, little children who so desperately need protection from the elements and the hard, unforgiving ground get a pair of shoes, and I get to get my name out there and get a pair! Woah baby. My mind is blown, SO MUCH GOOD! And soon-these little, beauties will be mine :)

Back into the game!

So, I find it terribly humorous that I used to be fluent in html, web design & the like, and could set up a custom designed profile page lickity split! Well, that was about 10 years ago, and since then, I have completely let my html genious go by the wayside. I FORGOT IT ALL!! I felt like an old woman trying to figure out how to set my page all pretty. However, I think I've started to make this little page feel like 'home.' Well, it's a start at least. Bare with me.....invisible classroom that I am speaking to.....while I construct and deconstruct and probably reconstruct this little chunk of internet land I have staked my claim on. Toodaloo!

-K

Lots and other things.

Randomly, i will find myself thinking about how things would have been had certain events in my life not transpired. Would I be who I am now? Like what I like now? Work where I work now?

Example: Had my friends parents not gotten divorced, I would not have moved out to where I attended higschool, said friend would not have worked where she worked, met who she met, through whom I met my Husband. Now, through a series of terribly unfortunate events, I do not see or speak to that friend anymore (and most days my heart aches wishing that this was not so). So it leads me to wonder, was she put in my life for the sole purpose of leading me, through a web of events, to meeting Caleb? Had i never met her, would I have met him?

Interesting, no?

Here's another for you:
As i stated previously, I have struggled with the fact that I did not go, even after being accepted, to art school. Yet here I am, 6 years later, a paid artist. How did that happen? ZERO professional art training. EVER. Not even a lick of it. Had I not chickened out, would I have gone, and stayed in San Francisco and gone down a completely different path?

Im sure i am not the only one who finds these things bizarre. BUTTTTTT I do know that my Loving Father knows the desires of his little (seemingly undeserving) children and that all the steps are ordered, and that everything happens for a reason. Not to confuse "God's will" with "free will", the two are quite different, and sometimes we choose things AGAINST his will, and are left to learn our way out of them, or learn how to live with them.And believe me, I have had my fair share of rebellion. All this to say, I am so thankful for everything that i have. For the events that have unfolded to make "my life." For all of the missed opportunities and lost friendships, I have grown to accept the fact, that even though some things we may regret, LIFE is everchanging. We must accept the things that are thrown our way, we must embrace what we DO have, and lovingly remember the things and people we have lost. I am moving forward, letting Yesterday's Ghost fly away from my memories.

My job, my husband, my friends...I know that there are so many things in my life that i take for granted everyday, that we ALL take for granted everyday. And I don't want to. I don't want that. I want to appreciate them and never forget that things happen for a reason. This is my lot. Even when I am face down, hands up, heart shattered, I.am.blessed. I.am.LOVED. I.am.THANKFUL.

Letting Go.

And I beat myself up over it; almost daily. "Why can't I just follow through?!" Age 17:Accepted to Art Institute in San Francisco> almost ready to move= chickened out. Age 18:tried going to school>going for a semester>getting sick>couldn't go. Tried again> car accident>couldn't go. Tried again>couldn't pay bills=stopped going. Age 23:The 365 Project that I strictly committed to> donezo by day 27. Kind of ironic, since they say it takes 28 days for an act to turn into a "habit". Had i given myself one more day, would I still be working on that project? And it happens time and again. I am constantly trying to find something that will spark my interest long enough to turn it into a passion. And then, without fail....I let myself down. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to these things. I want to prove myself wrong, as if my worth of a being, as a whole, is determined by how many projects I can complete. And I lay awake in the middle of the night. And I loose more sleep than I'd dare to admit. I just want to know that I can finish something I put my mind to. I have come to terms with the whole "school bit". I realize that getting really sick and getting in a terrible car accident are entirely out of my control. And I am working a job, without school, that I would have wanted to work with skills learned in school. So really, it saved me some money. I realize that knowing my track record, a 365 day project was just biting off more than I could chew, really. I actually started this blog for the same reason, "Maybe my lazy ass will be able to just maintain a blog." Seeing that my last post was just about a year ago, I just shake my head. Partly in disbelief, and partly in disappointment. I know that my worth is not in the projects that I finish. It's quite ridiculous for me to even think so. What I need is to surrender. To accept the fact that giant deadlines JUST. DONT. WORK. for me. I need small, attainable goals, that will lead to a bigger picture goal. And really, i dont even NEED them persay, I just want them. Oh, how I think way too much, and accept way too little. I just need to step back, and remember, that I am ever changing, and ever learning, and ever growing. And that I am ever more loved in this silent brokenness by the One who knows me best. Oh, what a ramble I have let out just now. Into a black abyss of nothingness, falling upon deaf ears and blind eyes. Is anyone even out there?.

Cheers,
-K